The Crazy Day of a Customer Representative

So today was hectic, and I blame myself for it.
A male customer wanted to redeem a survey coupon.  He had told me when he was ordering that he wanted three McChickens and wanted to redeem the coupon.
After reading back his order the first time, I can't remember what he said, but it was something along the lines about the order not being right because of the price.
Thus, I fixed the order and after some questioning (which might have been where I made my error) I asked him if the order was supposed to have been for four McChickens altogether.  Low and behold, that was what he wanted.

After exchanging money and giving him his change, he asked me if I always had this attitude. 

It was then I realized that I must have made some mistake, for he then proceeded to tell me a few things...
#1. This wasn't the first time that the attitude in question had been displayed from me
#2. He wasn't the only customer, which I understood because there were a few customers in the past that said something about the said attitude
#3. If wasn't going to have a good attitude, I should have been in the back

I told myself to not get upset or allow my emotions to get involved because if I had allowed myself to get terrified and cry, it would only make the situation worse.
I can't say that it helped the situation because he demanded a manager, my name, the store number, and even the corporate number.

Where were my emotions in all this? 
They weren't there: now that I think about it, I feel like a sociopath... or at least I did until I had some time to myself.
Now I just feel physically ill.

One of the people that I work with didn't really help matters: she asked me if I was worried the manager was going to do anything.  For some reason, that question felt like a horse's hoof hitting me in the chest.
After thinking it over, I told her that my trust wasn't in the manager - it was in God.
It was God who got me this job, and it will be God alone who decides if/when this job ends.
If this was how God wanted me to close this chapter of my life, then so be it, okay?

I suppose this means that I do have feelings about the situation.
I feel bad for what I did, but I can't take it back...
I admit I did wrong and just have to try better next time...
Even if that next time is decided by God to not be there.

Letting Some Stuff Off My Chest

I'm just going to take a minute or two to get something off my chest...
I've got to be honest, I'm not really happy with myself with how I handle stress, much less my temper.
To add further to this confession of honesty, I realized something about myself today... whenever I get stressed out, I cry.  Go ahead and call me a crybaby if you want, but it's either that or getting angry, and I don't like being angry.  So much so, in fact, that I can't remember a time where I haven't turned my anger on myself because I was ashamed of that emotion.

Why am I saying something about it now?  I suppose it has something to do with being aware of having this same problem for years, and it still not being resolved. I wonder if I still have the problem because I haven't done anything about it or because the only one who can truly solve my predicament has decided that the best course of action is to take this slowly.  I'm used to being able to just solving matters right then and there and just being done with it, but so is the price I pay for working in fast food customer service for as long as I have...

Today, I was about to give in comparing myself to someone else's anger, and that I shared in his bitterness because we were so much alike.  If it had not been for the fact that the difference resided in ignorance (in my case, the lack thereof) then I would have believed it.  Nonetheless, the way my negative feelings stresses me out even more.  It is not the fault of inanimate objects that I feel the way that I do under tense situations, so there's no need (nor any point) to take it out on them.

Isn't it weird that when I need that fidget cube the most, I use it even less?

Why do I even bother closing the register a little harder, or smack myself in the face with a little more force if I know that in the back of my mind it is all in vain?  Is because for that split second in time I know these things can take it?  Is it because of the fact that I did these things in the past that it adds up to the errors of today?  What would be different if I had just balled up my fists and made myself bleed instead of something else around me?

The more I sit back and reflect on everything, the more I realize how patient God has been with me, and now he's extended that patience to those around me.  Those who understand me understand too well, and for the record, I'm just not used to that.  I'm not used to people being able to get where I'm coming from.  Heck, I expect the polar opposite!

As I sigh from the headache in my brain and the broken glasses on my desk (now held together by the sheer will of God and some super glue), there are only two things that I'm certain of:
One, only God can change me now so I don't become the very thing I want to avoid.
Two, this process is very slow... and no one can take the next step but me...

Thanks for hearing me out guys... I needed to get that off my chest...